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In busy lives, gratitude is often felt, and less often expressed. And yet, it is sometimes the thing we most crave from one another-to feel valued.

Verbal expressions of “thank you,” and “I appreciate that,” can be the easiest and simplest ways to express a sense of value to loved ones and strangers.

Deeply meaningful, true gratitude, however, often takes the form of intentional action.

When we want an important person-a friend, colleague, child, parent, relative, partner, spouse, neighbor or the like-to deeply feel and know our gratitude, these acts are examples of ways to reach beyond words:

-When they say, “no thanks, I can do it alone,” show up and help anyway.

-Commit to do a chore you know they dislike…without requests or reminders!

-Practice patience in moments of irritation or discord.

-Come through-be reliable and dependable.

-Watch, listen and be observant.

-Learn to anticipate what they’d like, want or need.

-Truly hear them. Put down the phone or technology, and show that they have your full attention

Couples seek help all the time with a relationship in deep trouble.  They may not be headed for immediate separation or divorce, but they know that things are not nearly as good as they used to be, and some precipitating event usually occurs that makes them think they need help working on their relationship.  Many couples hope to make the relationship better, others want help in figuring out if this is the right relationship for them going forward, and still others are pretty sure they need to break up because their hurts are too deep, the patterns of destructive behavior are too ingrained, and the relationship is going nowhere.

We couples therapists often turn to the research of Dr. John Gottman, American psychology researcher and expert on coupledom whose book The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse describes four behaviors that can be warning signs of a deteriorating relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Criticism arises when either partner resorts to “you are” or “you did” statements, rather than “I feel” statements toward the other. A discussion that starts out to try to solve a problem turns into a mutual blame fest and character assassination.  It often escalates higher and higher in intensity and volume until the couple is bashing each other.

Contempt can appear as non-verbal methods of expressing judgement. When one person is speaking, the other one is sighing deeply, making a face, or rolling their eyes–showing that they do not accept one word their partner is saying.  Gottman says this particular horseman is indicative of the probable outcome of the relationship; he assumes the couple will separate unless, with help, they can break out of this pattern of behavior.

The sarcastic postures that express contempt can evolve into the third horseman, defensiveness, an automatic defense of one’s behavior.  One or both parties will not accept the points made by the other and will try to deflect them or push them away. Fights often result in which each partner returns the criticism, even escalating it, without taking responsibility for any part of the interaction. In other words, each member of the couple sees the other as fully responsible for what is not working in the relationship. This, too, will prevent the couple from getting anywhere.

Couples are rarely able to hear and relate to each other once the communication becomes either/or, black/white, right/wrong.  The fourth horseman, stonewalling, can then come into play. Stonewalling involves a conscious shutting down, an emotional withdrawal, a “flight” response, and a blocking out of what the other person is saying.  Leaving the room, not listening, texting, or just plain ignoring the other person, especially when they are trying to make an important point, are all examples of stonewalling.

All of these patterns of behavior can be improved with conscious effort and the help of a trained couples therapist.  If you recognize one of the above behaviors in your relationship now and then, it may not indicate a serious deterioration; but if you recognize all of them often, the relationship needs emergency help! So don’t delay. Three good people working together can make a relationship better!

March 20, 2024: The Counseling Center, a nonprofit group of mental health care professionals based in Bronxville and serving lower Westchester and the Bronx, has the great privilege of honoring social justice advocate Mary Mackintosh at its Spring Gala, to be held on May 3rd at the Siwanoy Country Club at 6 p.m.  Cocktails and a sit-down dinner will be followed by a live auction and paddle raise.

A longtime resident of Bronxville, Mary has advocated for youth and the underserved in a variety of positions over many decades.  Mary and her husband Stuart live in the Bronxville home they bought in 1987 where they raised three sons who are now in their late 20s.  Currently, Mary is Director of Missional Engagement at the Reformed Church of Bronxville (RCB), where she designs and manages service programs with local and international mission partners and rolls up her sleeves to serve alongside people working in their own neighborhoods.

Mary seeks to engage Bronxville residents in recognizing the challenges faced by our surrounding communities in lower Westchester and working with nonprofit organizations to improve the lives of our close neighbors. Mission volunteers at RCB, led by Mary, currently work with over 20 mission partners in southern Westchester and several organizations overseas. She especially enjoys the chance to engage with people of all backgrounds in our wider community and find ways to link the needs of mission partners with the gifts of church members and others in the Bronxville area. “Working as Director of Missional Engagement at The Reformed Church pulls together my legal and social work background, as well as my nonprofit connections, and adds a spiritual element to serving others in our own southern Westchester communities,” says Mary.

After law school, Mary spent six years as a corporate attorney before transitioning to manage a Fulbright program for black South African lawyers at the Institute of International Education. From there, Mary became Legal Counsel to Student Advocacy, a White Plains-based nonprofit, and later, Legal Counsel to Pathways School, an Eastchester school for children on the autism spectrum. Mary’s legal representation of children and families led her to understand the profound emotional challenges faced in raising a child with special needs. Nearly twenty-five years after graduation from law school, she pursued her master’s in social work and launched a career in the mental health field, working at the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility and in the inpatient adolescent unit of New York Presbyterian Hospital in White Plains. She was a clinician and clinical supervisor of a community mental health clinic in New Rochelle and served their clinic in the Yonkers Probation office.

Throughout her working life, Mary has been an active volunteer. She has served as a Trustee of World Learning, the Near East Foundation, and the Bronxville Library. For the past twenty years, Mary has advocated for students and their families in her position as Trustee and volunteer for the East Harlem Tutorial Program, a K-12 afterschool program that now includes five charter schools, including the first state-of-the-art high school in Harlem. Mary also worked with Judge George McKinnis to develop Bronxville’s Community Restorative Justice program, which sought to provide support services rather than jailtime for convicted youth.

You might say that Mary’s involvement with Crossing Thresholds, a long-time RCB mission partner, which builds schools and supports children in the poorest neighborhoods of Kenya, began when she was a child and fell in love with the African Continent while reading her grandparents’ National Geographic magazines.  Mary studied at the University of Ghana and worked in Tanzania and Botswana when she was in her 20s, nurturing her commitment to support education and child development in Africa. As a trustee of Crossing Thresholds, she makes about two trips to Nairobi each year, engaging in work that includes encouraging teachers to promote the social and emotional wellbeing of students by replacing outmoded methods of discipline with supportive approaches that address trauma and other causes of misbehavior. 

Mary loves her work at the Reformed Church, which she says, “brings together elements of everything I have learned and experienced in my eclectic career.” She shares laughter and tears with those she serves and experiences the pangs of separation when they move on to fuller lives. The connections she makes, the partnerships she forms, reflect a living out of our call to love our neighbor—whether that neighbor lives across the street, in the next community, or on the other side of the world.

Mary keeps renewed and focused with a daily morning run, and by spending downtime that includes lots of reading, much of it nonfiction, and walking every afternoon with her flat-coated retriever Dickens.  Mary loves the time in nature, though she does not share Dickens’ passion for swimming in the Bronx River!

For its 53rd anniversary, The Counseling Center is thrilled to honor Mary Mackintosh’s many decades of service. In every aspect of her work, Mary seeks the wellbeing of the human family, a communal flourishing that is achieved by serving one individual after another.  In that way her work mirrors that of The Counseling Center.

“The Counseling Center’s commitment to serving all people seeking emotional wellness aligns with my strong belief that mental health services should not be a luxury only for those who can afford it,” says Mary.  “My own work to support young people, advocate for those in need, and build bridges in our community dovetails with the mental health care services provided by The Counseling Center.  I especially endorse the Center’s fee subsidy program, which offers therapy to scores of clients who could not otherwise afford it.  This vital resource changes lives, providing relief to people in pain and hope to those who have lost it.” 

Funds raised at the gala will support The Center’s fee subsidy program, which allows the staff to provide essential services, including psychotherapy, marriage counseling, and family and child therapy, to those who are unable to afford full-fee treatment. The Counseling Center offers assistance to members of the community who are struggling with consuming anxiety and difficult life issues; it seeks to help clients transform their greatest challenges into opportunities for growth, empowerment, and fulfillment.

Not all of this year’s live auction items have been finalized, but so far, they include tickets to this spring’s hot Broadway show “Cabaret,” a multi-course tasting menu with wine for six people at Underhill’s Crossing, lunch with our own Mayor Mary Marvin, and two suite tickets plus parking to a regular season game for either the New York Giants or New York Jets at MetLife Stadium. Once again, professional auctioneer Erin Ward will also lead a spirited paddle raise. 

The Counseling Center wishes to express its enormous gratitude to the generous benefactors, underwriters, and sponsors of this year’s Spring Gala.  Please see the names of donors at the end of this article.

There are several ways to purchase tickets to the gala or make a donation: Go to https://TCCGala24.givesmart.com, call The Counseling Center at 914-793-3388, or scan this QR code with your camera.

The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.

When we mention boundaries in relationships, many often think first of romantic relationships—boundaries that keep us physically and emotionally safe in potentially toxic intimate encounters.  However, setting boundaries can be an important part of any relationship. Which boundaries we need to be healthy are unique to each person and situation, and may change over time, making them complex and dynamic. Maintaining healthy boundaries can be a powerful and loving act for us, both as individuals and for our relationships.

The purpose of healthy boundaries is to protect not only our selves but also the quality of our relationships with others. Boundaries are important in keeping oneself safe and separate in order to consider and meet one’s needs. In setting boundaries, we identify the line between our self and others, offering support but not taking on the other person’s emotional work.  

There are different kinds of boundaries—between co-workers, friends, parents and children, and these can vary within and between cultures.  Some boundaries are physical or emotional; others have to do with how we spend our time.  It’s the responsibility of the person setting the boundaries to identify, communicate and enforce them. 

An example of boundary setting between co-workers might be if one person is calling a colleague often outside of work hours, or requesting excessive help with a project, and limits need to be created.  When one worker insists on bringing her “whole self” to work, she might want to share personal aspects of herself that her co-workers don’t necessarily feel comfortable receiving or reciprocating in a professional setting.  

Sometimes friends need to understand and set boundaries.  High school students transitioning to college who may be accustomed to immersive relationships in which everything is shared and agreed upon among their friends might find that new friends in college want space to feel or think differently, to define themselves separately. 

The boundaries between parents and children often need to be renegotiated as children grow and become adults.  For example, a daughter becoming a new mom, eager to establish her own routines and parenting style, might need to set boundaries with her own mother, who may show up unannounced to help or is eager to explain, “This is the way I did it.” However loving and well-intentioned, such behavior can feel controlling; setting limits, despite the fear that one’s mother will feel rejected, can be difficult but important. 

Boundary setting can feel like a rejection in a relationship if the boundaries were previously absent or fluid, or previous attempts at boundary setting were not respected. Setting those limits might save the relationship from deteriorating into one of conflict and resentment.   

Some boundaries can be physical, such as when one is visiting one’s family and the old but familiar dynamics are challenging. A person living away from their family of origin may decide to visit for a few days but not for a week or stay in a nearby hotel rather than the family home.  Or, if established boundaries are crossed, one might give oneself permission to leave the situation. 

Other boundaries can be emotional.  One might love one’s family but hate their politics and keep that subject permanently off limits to preserve the peace.  Other topics that pose emotional triggers might also be called out of bounds. 

Setting time limits can apply to one’s professional life (I will answer texts and emails during X hours but not during Y hours) or to one’s love life (I’ll check in with you twice a day but not throughout the day).  

Cultural differences can result in conflicting expectations regarding boundaries, even within families.  The children of immigrants might not want to adhere to their parents’ traditional boundaries regarding authority, courtship, lifestyle, or degrees of independence.  Similarly, immigrant families navigating an unfamiliar culture might come into conflict over misunderstandings about where boundaries lie. This can also be evident when colleagues from various backgrounds come together and expectations regarding behavior differ.   

Relationships that may be at risk of estrangement can often be preserved when thoughtful boundaries are established and maintained. Over time, as conflict is minimized, resentments fade, and trust is reestablished, boundaries can sometimes be renegotiated. Relationships with healthy boundaries established often emerge stronger and more enduring.

Setting boundaries may be difficult at first, but once you begin to think about them, you might begin to see their benefit in many situations—and experience them as loving acts, for all the parties in the relationship.

This book looks at luck, karma, chaos, fate and grace in ways that really make sense. Instead of thinking of yourself as a passive player in life, Shoup inspires you to take risks, try new approaches and put yourself in luck’s path.

The book gives fresh, new ways of looking at the life’s trials and roadblocks. The message here is take advantage of life’s opportunities and take responsibility for your role in life’s drama.

It is written with a sense of humor, wise choice of quotations and demanding (yet fun) exercises.

It is a book which anyone who feels “stuck” in their life, whether it be in their career, marriage, or health, could benefit.

Our Director, Dr. Richard Shoup has coauthored a new book with Dr. Kenneth Ruge (also of The Counseling Center) and Nina H. Frost.

The three are colleagues in a career transformation group known as the Vocare Group.

What is this book about? Well, it’s about you. When you are done with this book, you will have a greater sense of your ture welf than ever before.

Soul Mapping gives you a playful and profound way to capture all the parts of you – past and present – and also helps point you toward a future that is authentic, vital and inner directed.

Thanks to this inner-directed process, Soul Mapping is a self-help book with a difference – rather than urge you to follow a specific

formula or subscribe to the authors’ views, Soul Mapping helps you emerge with a thorough and surprising grasp of who you were, who you are, who you are becoming, and what parts of yourself you may need to retrieve. The fruits of this book will be different for each reader.

At the Vocare Group, we specialize in helping people discern their calling – the work they are meant to do. As counselors, we work with the psychological aspects of change and transition. As theologians, we are also vitally interested in the spiritual aspects of discovery and renewal.And as workshop leaders, we are always looking for exercises and tools that help people see themselves in new ways and make connections. Soul Mapping combines our three approaches: the psychological, the spiritual and the practical.We conceive it to elicit epiphanies and reveal connections between the various parts of your life. It’s confessional, directional, revealing, and healing. It’s also fun. Here’s how it works:

Part One: Creating your Soul Map

The first part of the book has ten chapters on key themes, each filled with thought-provoking exercises that help you sketch out who you were, who you are, and who you most want to be in terms of that theme. The ten resulting small maps form your large, always revealing Soul Map. The Introduction spells out the process in detail.

Part Two: Living Your Soul Map

This second part helps you integrate and implement the results of this book’s exercises. It looks at fear’s role in your life and teaches you how to read you overall map for the spiritual direction if provides.

The poet Raniner Maria Rilke once wrote: “And then come the knowing that in me there is a space for a second, large, and timeless life.”

That is the life Soul Mapping speaks to – in all its timelessness, mystery, and sheer singularity. Welcome to the discovery process; welcome to new ways of knowing yourself.

From the November 2000 Counseling Center Newsletter

A July/August 2001 review of Soul Mapping

“This extraordinary book takes a radically new approach to self-help. It presents a wonderful blend of left-brained psychology and right-brained spirituality. ‘Soul mapping helps you emerge with a thorough and surprising grasp of who you are, who you are becoming, and what parts of yourself you may need to retrieve,’ the authors write.

The process of soul mapping draws upon 10 ‘maps,’ including maps to there here and now, childhood and family, recreation and hobbies, life stories, favorite travels, envy, self-limiting belief, desires and dreams, and life surprises.

Nina H. Frost is a career counselor, and Dr. Kenneth C. Ruge and Dr. Richard W. Shoup are psychotherapists and ministers. They jointly run The Vocare Group, which presents workshops about career, calling, and values. The three authors include practical, thought-provoking exercises to explore every facet of readers’ past, present, and future experiences and to promote spiritual growth and healing. They also examine ways for readers to utilize the information gained in practical ways in their lives.

The Vocare Group is an organization designed to help people find their life’s purpose, so it is not surprising that Soul Mapping emphasizes individual mission. The authors write in a friendly, easygoing style that complements the supportive tone of the book. A rich resource list in the back of the book notes other books, audiotapes, and resources for further self-examination. Readers will appreciate the objective clarity Soul Mapping brings. Display the book with serenity fountains and tools for meditation or journeying.”

by Tayannah McQuillar
Independent reviewer
New York N.Y.
for the New Age Retailer.