American novelist Madeleine L’Engle, author of A Wrinkle in Time, famously observed, “We are every age we’ve ever been.” No matter what age our driver’s license may say we are, there are remnants of our inner child, inner teen, and inner young adult within each of us.
Of course we are growing and learning and evolving—hopefully!—but sometimes our scared 6-year-old self takes the reins and reacts for us. Our bullied 12-year-old gets triggered and lashes out on our behalf. Our insecure 16-year-old wonders if we’re enough. Our anxious 22-year-old overpowers our older, wiser selves and amplifies the worry. Past experiences, especially difficult ones, can inform our actions even today, even when our mature minds know better.
Our wounded parts from the past can show up in relationship to others, especially our closest friends and loved ones. If you notice your reaction may be bigger than the situation requires, reflect on what part of you is reacting. What inner age has momentarily taken over?
Relational therapist Terrence Real suggests tucking that vulnerable younger you behind you lovingly. Let them know that you’ve got this, that you will take care of them and keep them safe. Then you can bring your current maturity and wisdom to bear, communicating calmly and safely to express your needs, advocate for yourself, and respond thoughtfully.
