In the therapy room, there is a metaphor frequently used about anger. Its like an iceberg: what we see is just the tip, and there is much more going on below the surface. When we present as angry, there are often a whole host of more vulnerable feelings lying underneath.
Overwhelm? Hurt? Shame? Fear? Resentment? Worry? Aloneness? For each person, and each moment, it may be different.
Often the anger is a secondary feeling brought on by our reaction to the primary, core feeling. “I don’t like feeling hurt, so I’m angry”. “Overwhelm exhausts and scares me, so I’m angry.” You can imagine how we might want to guard ourselves against feeling stressed, disrespected, taken for granted, embarrassed, frustrated, abandoned. So we default to the defensive emotion of anger.
But in relationships, anger rarely gets us what we need, as it is designed to scare people off and push them away. It’s useful in threatening and unsafe situations, but it can be counterproductive for connection.
When we identify the vulnerable feelings beneath, and share them with the people around us, we can truly begin to address what we need; what would make us feel less overwhelmed, less alone, less hurt, more cared for. As these needs are met, and our anger begins to subside, we will invite more care, trust, support and calm into our relationships.
